


悟られたくない Friday night, Tonight (>_<)

by grayscale



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, Johnny's Jr., Sexy Zone
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-01
Updated: 2015-04-01
Packaged: 2018-03-20 16:13:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3656775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grayscale/pseuds/grayscale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Despite the fact that things aren't always perfect, that Fuma doesn't always know what he's doing, he knows that right here, by Hokuto's side, no matter when, no matter where, is where he wants to be.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	悟られたくない Friday night, Tonight (>_<)

**Author's Note:**

> Based on yomimashou's fic [here](http://writetomyheart.livejournal.com/208274.html) and TOKIO's song Boku no Renai Jijou to Daidokoro Jijou. I'd highly suggest reading the lyrics [here](http://www.mognet.net/lyrics.php?id=2778&type=english) if you're not familiar with the song! I was inspired by Fuma's semi-recent performance of this song on Shounen Club recently! I apologize for any difficulty following the format, but it references the popular message program [LINE](http://line.me/en/) and the iPhone mail application. Finally, written for shiritori @ [writetomyheart](http://writetomyheart.livejournal.com)!

"Fuma?" Hokuto says when he picks up the phone. It's jarring, both because Fuma is never sure what to expect with Hokuto, and because he never knows quite how to respond to Hokuto's earnest seriousness when all he ever seems to be able to do these days is hide behind jokes. 

"…Hey," he manages after a beat, unsure how to proceed. "What's up?" 

"…not much…" Hokuto replies, his voice unsure, and Fuma feels like an idiot. After all, it's he who called in the first place, why is he asking what Hokuto is doing?

"What's that? Having a secret affair that I'm not supposed to know about~?" Fuma asks a little too loudly, his best attempt at humour in his voice, but from the way Hokuto's breath falters on the other end of the line, Fuma knows he's failed miserably; no matter what else has come of their relationship since Sexy Zone's debut, Fuma knows how to read tenseness in Hokuto from miles away, not to mention from the sound of his breathing. He bites his lip, unable to apologize (that would be far too serious) but unable to think of a way to save the situation with another joke. 

"…I'm going to the beach with the guys on Sunday," he tries again, getting straight to the point this time. The others, Kouchi or Juri or Shintaro, would call it 'Fuma-kai,' but that's always felt a little weird for Fuma himself; why should their friend group be named after him when he's not special, he's just their friend, even if he's debuted, even if he's different now… 

But even if he's gotten to the issue at hand, it feels even harder to find a way to invite Hokuto, and he fumbles. "So… you can come, right?" he eventually decides on, but more because things were getting increasingly awkward with how long he remained silent. 

There's a long pause, and Fuma's heart sinks even before Hokuto says, "Sorry… it's my dad's birthday, and we're going out… you'd be welcome to come, but…" 

But he can't-- he's already made all the plans with the rest of the guys. He kicks himself for not asking Hokuto earlier, but somehow, it had been intimidating and he'd kept putting it off. Despite the fact that it's just one day, just one beach trip, the back of Fuma's throat burns, and he wants to punch something. 

"…So… let's go out together sometime soon…?" Hokuto tries hesitantly after a moment of silence, bringing Fuma out of his thoughts. But yet, even though he's pissed at himself for missing this opportunity, all Fuma can bring himself to say is, "Yeah, we should." 

Maybe Hokuto is hoping for Fuma to take the lead like he used to-- Hokuto is really socially awkward, Fuma knows, and back before everything fell apart and Fuma stopped knowing how to act anymore, he used to make up for it with no problems, used to have no fears. But now, somehow, it feels like there's a rift between them, and he isn't quite sure how to bridge it anymore. 

"…Well… see you?" Hokuto says at length. 

_Wait,_ Fuma wants to say, but instead, he bites his lip and mumbles, "Yeah… bye." 

…

  
  
  
  


…

… 

"Hey," Fuma says before Hokuto can say anything into the receiver when he picks up. For some reason, he's oddly nervous. He got Hokuto's email a few days ago, but it's taken him all this time to work up the nerve, or the courage, or… get over whatever's wrong with him enough to call. 

"Hey…!" Hokuto replies, and Fuma's heart breaks a little at the excitement in his voice, as if he's really surprised and thrilled, as if he wasn't expecting Fuma to call. "Did you get my email?" 

"No, I just telepathically knew you wanted me to call," Fuma quips back, before he realizes that that implies that he would never want to call Hokuto just… because. He forces a laugh, trying to cover for himself, before adding, "Yeah, I got it. What's up?" 

"…Sorry about last weekend," Hokuto says after a moment, sounding significantly more downtrodden than before, and Fuma feels awful. "Did you… still… you know…" 

"I told you it was going to be crowded," Fuma replies before he even has a chance to think it through, and then kicks himself because he distinctly had not meant to say something to make Hokuto feel even worse. Somehow, despite the fact that it's been a year since things had started getting better, despite the fact that things are actually looking up a little in Sexy Zone these days, despite the fact that in his heart of hearts, Fuma wants desperately to be with Hokuto, just as much if not more than he did when they were only kids, somehow, he can't seem to adjust to being together again, can't seem to balance his post-debut self with his in-a-relationship self. 

"But, I mean, it was fun anyway," he tries again, desperately trying not to fuck up, but it feels stiff and awkward and he knows Hokuto can tell, too. Relationships aren't supposed to feel this way, aren't supposed to feel so difficult and closed off, and Fuma can remember what it was like to be in love for the first time, back when they were fourteen and didn't have a care in the world. But that existence feels like a lifetime ago, and so does every aspect of their relationship before, and so now, he doesn't know what to do. 

"…So… we should do it again," he continues abruptly, forcing himself on despite the fact that he has no idea what he's doing when it becomes clear that Hokuto isn't going to say anything, his awkwardness practically radiating through the phone. "This weekend. I'm free. And I'll plan. Okay?" 

Hokuto lets out an audible sigh of relief, and there's a bit of background noise, the sound of Hokuto's hair brushing against the phone as he nods despite the fact that Fuma can't see it. "Okay. Yeah. Perfect," he exhales warmly, and Fuma can't help but feel a little warmer, too. 

"I love you," Hokuto says by way of farewell greeting, light and easy, just like it was the summer of 2009 all over again. 

_I love you_ , Fuma wants to say, but his throat gets tight, and somehow, all he can manage is "…Yeah." 

…

  
  
  
  


…

"So what are we having?" Fuma asks, surveying Hokuto from behind as he cuts various vegetables, sorting them into neat little colourful piles. As planned, they're together at Hokuto's place, Hokuto preparing dinner while Fuma helps here and there, putting on senpai music in the background and bringing ingredients from the fridge. _You don't have to do anything_ , Hokuto had said, but Fuma liked it, liked to be involved, to be close. Besides, it's fascinating to watch the way Hokuto prepares food so differently from Fuma-- Hokuto is an artist, really, in every way, something Fuma has always been transfixed by-- and somehow, it makes being together a little easier, it makes Fuma forget the tenseness and awkwardness that usually come along with dates. 

Hokuto starts, though, at the sound of Fuma's voice, and it reminds Fuma of the old days, when Hokuto was so nervous, so skittish, and it was up to Fuma to soothe him, to lead him, to hold his hand and ease him into love. More and more, in between the screw-ups and the times when he doesn't know what to say, Fuma gets flashes like this of what things used to be like, and of how they aren't so different now. 

And so for once, without over-thinking or falling back into his usual defense mechanisms, Fuma does what's in his heart and wraps his arms around Hokuto's waist, pressing close, as if he can calm Hokuto's nerves with the warmth of his body, with his love alone. They stand in silence for a moment, both clearly unsure of where they're going from here, and Fuma is trying to think of something to say, anything to lighten the situation, when Hokuto adds awkwardly, "I-I thought we could do an olive oil sauce, and you said there was some cheese in the fridge...?"

Fuma can't help but smile, because if Hokuto can treat this like normal, then he can too. It's warm in his chest, knowing that Hokuto could have tensed, could have asked Fuma what he was doing, could have responded to Fuma's embrace in a hundred different ways, but instead, he didn't respond at all, he's going on treating it like it's completely normal. Hokuto has always been a physical person, always communicated with friends and coworkers through touches and hugs and bumps of the shoulders, but somehow, this is different, allowing himself to be vulnerable to Fuma has always been different, something between just the two of them. It felt right when they were stupid, naive kids, and despite how much has changed, it feels right now, too. 

And so, somehow, it feels easy to nod a little into Hokuto's shoulder, it feels natural to hum and simply respond, "Sounds good." Some part of his brain tells him he ought to let go, ought to let Hokuto keep cutting, ought to get on with their 'home date' or whatever this is, but holding on feels right, and so Fuma holds on.

They stand that way in silence for a little while-- not the uncomfortable silence over the phone when neither of them are sure what to say, not the awkward radio-silence over LINE or emails that leads Hokuto to check constantly if Fuma received his messages, but a warm, pleasant silence, pressed together in a way that they don't often have a chance to be anymore. It's only after a few moments that Hokuto speaks again, his voice quiet but certain, unwavering as he tells Fuma, "I love you." 

And somehow, it's easy to say, "Me too," easy in a way that it hasn't been to express his feelings in a long, long time. He doesn't feel the need to recoil, doesn't feel the urge to hide behind jokes… he simply squeezes Hokuto tighter, because despite the fact that things aren't always perfect, that Fuma doesn't always know what he's doing, he knows that right here, by Hokuto's side, no matter when, no matter where, is where he wants to be. 

…Still, though, it would be awkward to hold on forever, and so after a moment, he adds, "Now finish chopping those onions before you make us both cry~" giving Hokuto one last squeeze before pulling away slightly. Still, the laugh that follows isn't even a little bit forced, because Hokuto laughs too, and when their eyes meet for a brief second he can tell that Hokuto's thinking the same. 

_saa shuumatsu wa nani wo shiyou_  
sou shuuake wa sugu kuru kedo  
hanasu na yo sono ude wo  
donna hi mo itsu no hi mo… 

… 


End file.
